Children Caught in the Middle

Written by: Ms. Ng Yee Kam, Founder and CEO of Family Dynamics

Marriage and Family Therapist

AAMFT Clinical Fellow

Children studying in Hong Kong face immense challenges and pressures, a fact that hardly needs elaboration. "Education" has become almost merely a tool for selection. Children’s minds are crammed with materials for numerous exams, aimed solely at achieving satisfactory results, often failing to cultivate their interest in the pursuit of knowledge and learning. Many parents are aware of the flaws in the education system but feel trapped within its confines, desperately trying to follow the rules of this game to secure a ticket to university, sacrificing their children's motivation for lifelong learning in the process.

Families with more resources may opt out of this system by choosing international schools, freeing their children from the unnatural homework pressures encountered in local schools. However, the problems persist! Raising children is not as simple as merely changing the educational system. In many local schools, children are overwhelmed by excessive and deep learning content, along with an overload of homework that leaves them gasping for breath. In such a high-pressure learning environment, coupled with ongoing conflicts with parents, children often seek relief by turning to video games or the internet, leading to potential addiction.

Conversely, in more relaxed educational environments, the learning content is comparatively lighter and homework is less burdensome. Yet, children in these settings are still perceived by their parents as lacking motivation, being disorganized, idling away their time, or being addicted to gaming and the internet—situations that cause parents significant concern. Therefore, simply changing the educational system does not necessarily resolve children's issues or foster positive learning motivation.

While switching to a more humane environment may control external factors and prevent damaging the child's healthy development, the key to fostering motivation lies in the interaction patterns between parents and children. Children need to feel loved, cared for, appreciated, and respected to develop a sense of self-motivation. In my experience with many children attending international schools, their stress does not primarily stem from homework or exams, but rather from parental criticism of their behavior, coupled with a lack of emotional support or appreciation.

Parents may enroll their children in multiple extracurricular activities, but the time spent playing together, sharing feelings, listening, and understanding their experiences remains absent. Instead, parents focus on correcting their children's shortcomings. Such negative interactions lead children to "tune out," leaving them to seek engagement online with friends or through gaming. If children do not use their free time at school to build more positive interactions and quality parent-child relationships, then even if adverse environmental factors are controlled, the estrangement and functional detachment in the parent-child relationship will hinder children from realizing their potential and strengths.

I hope parents understand that nurturing children involves overcoming many significant obstacles, allowing them to receive the care they rightfully deserve both inside and out.